And the beginning of a change.... XD Alot of people must say that around this time of year. lol I know I did. So far, I have made changes... but who knows how long they'll last?
Anyho, waiting for CSI...waiting... and wondering if I should start a fanfic, cuz I have a small "bunny" bouncing around. lmao.
lol... I dunno...
- Mood:
envious - Music:My Heart Your Hand By From First To Last
Well, today I went into the emergency room, because I was having pains in my tummy area and running a high fever. They told me I had an infection and something wrong with my liver enzymes... Got me all worried there. They told me I was going to have an ultrasoud just to see if it was related to the infection or something else... Was seriously worried after that.
But the way I feel, it sure as hell doesn't feel like an infection. Thank goodness for my condeine though..... :D
Um what else? Other than that, nothing new is going on.
- Mood:
Sick but drugged up. - Music:Hurt by Johnny Cash
I've been at my mom's home this weekend (Makes me wonder why I have my own apartment...) But I've just been trying to help out. Of course, I've got a wicked headache (migraine?) now, and I guess I should have known that was going to happen. I always make myself available to my mother and she just thinks, "Okay..." Something I've got to learn to stop doing...
I've been over a month clean from alcohol, but holy did I ever have crazy cravings this evening. To help with that since I had no money to even buy a B40, I smoked alot. LOL. My other bad habit. I guess I'm taking it day by day.
Well this is a recent picture of my daughter.... People tell me she looks like me and my friends tell me that she looks like her dad. Me? Not really sure, yet. Still haven't got her under my care yet, but I've been sober for a month now so I'm praying it's soon. ERrrrrrr (Saskatchewan slang there... lol ), trying to quit smoking too, but not really sure buying two packs of cigarettes count as "trying". Hmmmmm, what else? Been trying to get my writing back into gear. I love my fanfiction reading AND writing.
And I said "See you later" to a wonderful woman today... My worker of two years finally closed our file. :-( I just couldn't stop bawling my eyes after she left. We exchanged gifts of course, I got a beautiful picture frame with an awesome phrase on it and I gave her a vase with marble glued to it. She thought it was pretty awesome, even after a couple of pieces fell out. She cried when she read the poem I wrote for her in a card and I couldn't help but start too. 2 years together just ended like that. Oh well, eh?
........................................
And I plan on going to school in September in a REAL high school. LOL. That old school I was at was just too slow for me and I'm going to take advantage of the fact that I don't have to worry about Daycare.
Well, my (bald!) baby sister wants to jump on the computer so I'll prolly write more tommorrow and catch up on my friends list. See how much juicy stories I've missed, LOL.
- Mood:
creative
Recently I've been in the hopital and this is now my second trip here. "Suicidal Ideation", I think they called it.
I've been recently told I would be going to Saskacthewan(?) for Four months. In less than one week. Which I think sucks. Cause I won't be seeing my daughter.....
Oh well. I gues this is what we all call Life.
Goodnight and hopefully I'll be able to update tommorrow. Heehee
- Location:Thunder Bay Regional Health Science Centre
- Mood:
contemplative
Friday I woke up so stressed about the move and all and who was goin to help me and such. My Dilico Worker comes by and I instantly know that something I donèt like is going to happen. They sit me down and tell that something has been breached in the contract and they cannot let Alexa out of care.... Being me, I took it all in stride.
For years I have been battling an addiction and until now, I have done nothing about it. I always assumed that I could control it, that it was me who making that conscious decisin to do it. Turns out it was the other way around, which I just recently learned. Solvents was my addiction and I am sad to say that my addiction finally took over my ability to parent good....
But of course, they donèt just learned this kind of stuff by reading minds. Someone who I trusted or rather was beginning to trust and who I finally told about my problem, took it upon themselves to do something about it. I am mad at the same time I can understand her actions. I was putting my baby girl in danger... and that is something I have always promised that I would not do, that I would not become my mom. I am mad because she tricked me into showing her what I do and how I do it. She seemed genuinely curious, so I did. Bad choice.
Anyway, that night I got totally wasted, which is something I donèt usually do, even before I got pregnant. My cousin told me I was drinking my sorrows away, just like our moms. I agreed with him, because it was obvious. I had my awesome party at my new apartment, another mistake on my part. Cops came by, Undercovers, and even my mother. I was totally panicked.
And now today. I did not go to my moms house as I said I would, instead I went out to the mall and made plans for my drinking tonight. My cousins mother walked up the my face and told me never to let her son drink again or sleep at my apartment, which just furthered my mood.
I lost track of my drinking buddies, so I came home. Then that was when it finally hit me: I do not have my baby girl. No one will greet me with a smile, instead I got my mother with tears in her eyes. So ever since she left me to myself, I have been bawling my eyes out.
The Crisis Response Mobile Team are now coming over, because I honestly do not think I could make it through the night. Without my baby girl, waking up for her bottle. I will be going to the Hospital for the night instead.
Pray for me because I do not know the outcome of this night.
- Mood: morose
- Music:If I could be like that by 3 Doors Down
Title: Awake
Author: Sagutcheway_06
Rating: PG
Summary: Sara loses someone close to her...
Disclaimer: I do not own anything from those CSI poeple.... but the poem is MINE!!!
- Mood:
accomplished - Music:Dance music
LOL, now this is seriously funny....
And hello to everybody out there, I've been awesome for some who wants to know. :-) I'm moving into my very own apartment on the April 1st! I'm totally EXCITED!!! LOL. And I can't wait until the 18, so I could have a big celebration for my baby girl for making it through her first year. My mom thinks I'm crazy for saying that....
And I'm feeling very good, because I lost 11 pounds over the last two weeks... So I went out and bought myself a brand new spring jacket, so I don't have to wear my marshmellow jacket anymore...
I don't know what to write neymore.....
- Mood:
amused - Music:Tainted Love by Marilyn Manson
And Chantal is bothering me..... The people I live with offered to babysit while I go out for awhile. So I'm at the the County Fair Plaza with Chantal........
I'll update more later.
- Mood: accomplished
I can't believe I did not tell u guys this. LIKE OMG, My mother, for me and my sister's birthday present, bought us Simple Plan tickets. They were making their FIRST stop here, and she knows how much we love that band.
IT WAS FREAKING AWESOME! I shouted my throat hoarse, and I... it was just awesome! I took pictures but I don't think they'll turn out well.
Oh well, I still lived it and loved it.
When they played that song "Crazy" They had this disco ball and they shone a light on it and it was just sooooo purdy in there. I almost cried...
Plus it was awesome that I got a nightoff from Parenting to be a Teenager for awhile.
The sad thing is my sister wasn't able to go, so I took the next best thing. My AUNT! LMFAO
and YEAH MAN! I GOT TO SEE SIMPLE PLAN!
Anyway, things have settled for a bit here. No Drama happening at home or school. My little brother had his birthday on the 6th and that was a blast to have. My grandma is coming to town for a day trip and I'm all exciting for that.
And now! I shall leave to go have my smoke!
- Mood:
calm - Music:Naughty Girl by Beyonce
So guess what... Yesterday, I went to my first counselling session, and I DIDN'T RUN OUT ON IT.. GO Me... LOL. When I was riding that elevators, I was really like getting nervous and shit and wanted to so get out of there. My worker was there, and REALLY wanted me to go to it, so I thought "why the hell not? what's holding me back?" So I went.
Then after that, I took my little baby girl to her FIRST swimming class. I'm not sure if she enjoyed it.. She was so not into it, I know that, she was just watching the other people swim. I think she's going to be like her mommy, LOL. But I hated it! For a swimming class of only half an hour, it took me one whole hour to get us into our swimming clothes, and then out of. Not to mention, we had to shower. When I got home, after giving her a bath, I just like fell fast asleep once my head hit that pillow. and that was at 8:00.
Thank GOD today is Thursday, all I have to do is take her to the walk-in clinic. Then just hit the sac... And I'll be missing CSI again, which sucks big time.
( Pictures )
- Mood: tired
- Music:Only Time by Enya
Nothing much has been going on... Okay, now that's a lie. I'm under investigation from Child Services, which sucks ass big time. I feel more depressed than I did last week, which is saying alot coming from me. My daughter had Impetigo last week, and I was sick too, and now what's wrong with my daughter is her bitemarks she has on on her fingers... They're infected...
I honestly feel sooooooooo lost right now. I just wish I... I don't know what I wish.
My great-grandmother is sick too... :-(
Oh well......
- Mood:
bitchy - Music:Precious By Depeche Mode
OMG, I am so... excited for this... just pumped up for the news that doctor is going to tell me... Don't be surprised if I post something rite away! heehee... and just...wow. My baby girl is barely 8 months ( she will be on the 18th.) and there's is a possibility I could be pregnant. wow.
oh well, life is life, eh? We define ourselves with the choices and decisions we make, and shit happens... Life happens.
- Mood: jubilant
- Music:Nothing compares to you by Sinead O'Conner
And since I feel like telling someone, and your people are poeple I don't know and you won't freak out on me, there may be a small possibility that I am pregnant... AGain. I guess that goes to show how... LOL, nvm.
How am I feeling about? SCared... excited... A whole bunch of feelings that are jumbled up... but I got to go now...................
- Mood: contemplative
<table width=500 style='border:1px solid black; background-color:white; color:black;'><tr><td><img src='http://triggur.org/dearsanta/santa.g![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
wurlocke's hair <font size=-3 color=gray>(-12 points)</font>. In January theblueskye and I donated clothes to the needy <font size=-3 color=gray>(11 points)</font>. Last Monday I pushed groovekittie in the mud <font size=-3 color=gray>(-17 points)</font>. In February triggur and I robbed a bank <font size=-3 color=gray>(-50 points)</font>. In August I gave firithel_icons a Dutch Oven <font size=-3 color=gray>(-10 points)</font>. <br><br>Overall, I've been <b>naughty</b> <font size=-3 color=gray>(-78 points)</font>. For Christmas I deserve <b>a lump of coal</b>!<br><br><blockquote>Sincerely,<b
HAHAHA, I threw GK in the mud...and the bluesky and I donated... LMFAO...poor wurlocke... but what the hell is a dutch oven??? Ohwell................ it's true I've been naughty.... heehe
BUT NEYWAY,
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!! LMFAO
- Mood: frustrated
Went to go visit my AWESOME sister at ABTO.... or whatever.... IDK,
My awesome dad( Notice I use the word Awesome, when I mean it in a negative way....)
BBL!
well, nothing much going on..... I'm bored.... Decided to post some pics of my baby girl. Isn't she pretty?
( sweet girl )
- Mood: indifferent
- Music:Just like a pill by Pink
Okay, so maybe it really isn't my problem to deal with, but geez man, can't that girl(who will forever be nameless) just shut up, that's harsh... Be qieut just for once? Granted, I've only been here for only a couple of months, but I do not want to come to school to have to listen to arguements in which I have to hear every night!
I can't help but feel sympathic to the girl, but I can't help but feel that the others girls are right, okay okay, so maybe I don't know the ENTIRE story... but why in hells name do I feel like crying everytime I see her cry?
*pouts* I hate it that I'm so empathic towards faceless strangers....
I'm depressed now, stupid... stupid life....
There, I needed to rant for a bit before I go reading again....
- Mood: grumpy
- Music:Mindless chatter from the faceless strangers around me
And I just wrote a Ron/Hermione Songic.... Which reminds me, I should post at the Ron/Hermione community.
Any ho, Thanks you GrooveKittie and thebluesky for your wonderful words my last post. They got my out of my spunk... :) LOL, the only I need to worry about now is the horrible cramps I'm going through. That time of month, ugh.
- Mood: accomplished
- Music:Do you think I'm sexy By Rod Stewart
Anyway... I'm feeling shitty, my stomach aches, and I have to do my work...
LEAVE ME IN PEACE
- Mood: bitchy
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